Through much discussion with myself I have decided that I need
to get this out and well it is to long for FB & there are too many eyes
that just don’t need to see this; and well a written diary is nowadays almost a
ghost plus I am barley patient enough to get my thoughts typed out and to wait
for my crappy handwriting to put it to paper is just well nerve-racking! So
here it goes.
I find it frustrating that my premonition dreams are almost
like riddles! I am not saying that I don’t want them anymore, I sure don’t want
to go down that path again! What I am
saying is that I wish they could be less interpretive & more straight
forward. I guess what I need to do is make a journal of them and maybe that
would help decipher the messages.
For instance I have one that sticks in my memory which if
you knew me these days my memory is a foggy place and lucky to find itself some
times. Any how the one that sticks in my memory is I was with my Gram who at
the time was alive and we were sitting talking then all the sudden everything around
her turned grey and swirling and she was getting sucked in to this swirling
grey and being taken away from me. We tried to hold on to each other’s arms
then hands then fingers, just like in the movies when someone is falling and
the other person is just not strong enough to hold them…that kind of agonizing
slipping when you know the fate of the other person is latterly in your hands!
When I woke up from it & calmed down a bit I called my Gram it was 3am but
since I was a child I remember her saying “you call me honey anytime day or
night about anything.” and I always knew
she meant every word…so this time I was pulling the anytime anything card! Now
premonitions was something she never really talked about unless there was NO ONE
else around and NO WAY anyone could just happen into the conversation same with
seeing things/people that other people don’t see. That night/am I think she
heard in my voice I was still upset so she talked with me about it and told me
that she was fine and that each person’s way of having them differs. She
assured me she was fine and would be mindful of herself in the coming days as
most premonitions are just that a forewarning and can be changed. Turned out
that it was not my Gram but my husband’s Grandmother Billie that the
premonition was about. She had been in & out of the hospital for years so
much so that the family was not concerned and would go visit her off & on
until she came back home. It happened to be that I was staying with my in-laws
for a bit while my husband was getting our home ready in the duty station we
were at, that is how most of our moves went while he was active duty in the US
Navy. While staying with the in-laws I have to admit the first few visits to
the hospital I was concerned because I have #1 never had a family member in
& out of a hospital like that #2 I just assumed that if they are in the
hospital you stay with them until they are ready to go home or like in the movies
or TV shows a nurse or doctor convinces you that you need rest & you should
go home and come back tomorrow. So it took a few visits for me to get as
comfortable as the rest of the family with her hospital stay. Then one night {weeks after my premonition dream, and after
talking with my Gram it was out of my thoughts was NOT on my brain AT ALL}
after dinner the in-laws and I were sitting around watching TV we had been to
see Billie that afternoon and told her we would be back tomorrow so there was
no visit planned. All the sudden my husband’s mother Shirley says we should go
see Billie, her husband reminder her that we had been just a few hours ago and
we would be going in the next day and that her mother needed some rest however
if she wanted to go he was fine with it but would not be going. She tried to
sit with it for a bit longer but then decided she wanted to just pop in for a quick
bit then would be back home a ½ hour at the most. I wasn't gonna go either but
just felt I should….lingering feelings of my previous feelings about a person
in a hospital or something more? To this day I am not sure. When we got there
Billie was sleeping it had been a busy day when we were there earlier that day
so we assumed she would be tired. She kept waking up to visit with us and watch
Wheel of Fortune {it was their thing I've never been a fan} so I sat at the
foot of the bed and admired the Mother Daughter combo that was in front of me.
We would have small meaningless easy to drop conversations then she would fall
asleep, then Shirley and I would discuss silly things like what should be for
lunch tomorrow what was on the agenda trivial things really. Then Shirley decided
we should go so Billie could get some better sleep …. well as good as you can in
a hospital. So she said her good bye for the night to her mom and moved so I
could also wish her a good rest and that we would be by tomorrow. When I said ‘ok
Billie you have a good night sleep and we will be back tomorrow’ and leaned to
kiss her forehead she grabbed my arm and said ‘I wish you wouldn't go’ I took
her hand and put it in mine and told her she needed to get her rest so we could
take her home but again said we would be back tomorrow. She looked from me to Shirley
and back and said ‘no please you stay while I sleep just for a bit longer’ so
there we sat Shirley on one side of her bed & me on the other side Billie
was still holding my hand. I thought she would let it go but every time I felt
her ease up her grip I would try to slide my hand away so that when we left it
wouldn't wake her but just as her grip eased and the minimum I would try to
move my hand she would grip me harder & wake up a bit so I stopped trying
to move. After a few minutes Shirley wanted to go get some water for us to
drink. When she left Billie woke a little and looked around the way I was
sitting she was more at my side than face to face so I turned to her smiled as
if to say see still here…though her grip on my hand would be enough to tell a
person that. She looked at me smiled a smile I had not seen in her face &
eyes in years it was a smile she had when she was having a good health day
& was happy…the kind of smile that people talk about a twinkle in your eye
kinda smile. Then she looked like she was looking just behind me; I knew there
was a window but the curtains were drawn and it was night so I knew there was “nothing”
behind me. I lightly patted her hand and rubbed her arm like I had done before then
she looked back at me and it was like she was happy & relieved all at the
same time then she closed her eyes and I thought ok she’s back to sleep-ish. I
noticed that her hand was getting cold and frankly so was mine partly from the
vise grip she had on my hand and partly because well it is a hospital and they
are not warm! I thought to myself ‘this woman is not some frail thing she is
going nowhere with the strength of her grip she’ll probably be ready to go home
tomorrow or at least in a few days.’ Then I started to find a part of the
blanket I could wrap our hands in because if I was getting cold & shivering
by our hand holding she must be also. I had just got some of the blanket up and
was wrapping our hands as careful as I could so she didn't wake up when Shirley
came back in. She saw that Billie looked “not right” so she said she was gonna
go get a nurse or the doctor as no one had been in to check on her in a while.
The nurse and Shirley came back & decided that Billie should go for an
oxygen treatment but that was down the hall. The nurse disconnected her from
all the monitoring stuff that she was connected to I tried to move but the
nurse noticed that Billy was holding my hand so she said that until it was time
to move her from the room I could just stay there and she would work around me.
As I was standing there I happened to look down at Billie and now that the
lights where different I could see what Shirley was talking about Billie was always
pale looking but she was more ashen grey looking and her normally pink/red
small lips where a dark not normal looking purple color and I noticed what no
one else noticed that her hand felt more cold as time went on. Then they were
ready to move her I tried to move my hand but I could not and Billie was not
waking up so one of the nurses and I pried my hand out of Billie’s hand I
looked to see if she woke up but she didn't…all the busyness of being
disconnected from the monitor stuff and the bed moving around & now being
pried apart none of that woke her. It was then that they got to the hall when
the Dr saw Billie they rushed her down to the ER and I stayed with Shirley in
the waiting room until family arrived but then I went outside I had to get away
part of me felt like it was a close family thing and I was just a girl who
married in {though anyone in that family
would tell me I am a fool to ever think that} and part of me had to get
away from people because it was all just too much! So I went outside and stood.
I was away s away from the entrance and could see the whole building the way it
was situated and because it was night I could see everyone in the waiting room
our family as well as others. I was out there alone talking to what I believe
in. I remember bits & pieces from there out because it was a lot of hollering
and tears and frustration. I remember watching them in the waiting room wishing
and saying that it wasn't right that my husband was so far away from his family
that for him I wanted him here so he could be in there with them. I remember
for a few seconds a calm came over me and I hushed about him not being there
and my attention was drawn to the ER door windows … almost like my head was
pointed to that direction & told to look. You could tell that there were ‘sections’
in there separated by curtains, I saw the curtains around this one bed/section
just bellowing with movement from inside it and I thought ‘Oh my!’ and
instantly said a prayer that whomever was being worked on I prayed that they
would be ok and that the dr’s & nurses would be able to help the person be
ok. I couldn't take my eyes off those windows then suddenly like a blink of an
eye the curtain opened and I saw Billie for a split second then the Dr jumped up
on the bed and was doing CPR then a nurse who opened the curtain came running
back to the Dr & closed the curtain again. I was so scared, hurt &
angry. All at once that premonition came back in my mind….the grey, the loosing
grip and GRAM….then it hit me Gram=Billie, Loosing Grip=Vise grip of her hand
on me & Grey=Billie was very grey I've never seen that color on a person. I
feel into the lamp post I had been standing behind and I started balling and
screaming & cursing having a “gift” that is so confusing that I can’t use
it to HELP anyone. I said a lot of things out there alone that night to what I
believe in and made a request that to this day I regret and if I had the
ability to I would go back and take it back. I have since tried to make my
peace with both what happened and what I said and requested. It’s a work in
progress.
I have had other premonitions too but the ones that are as
hard hitting as that one are the ones that seem to stick with me until either I
get them figured out or the event comes to pass. The premonitions are not often
but the other night I had one like one above in that I woke up crying well
actually I woke up my husband because I was screaming & crying. When he
woke me it took me hours to settle down and even then I didn't really settle
but as our lives do our day trudged on…his alarm went off and he had to get up
to get ready for work…and THAT is the one that started this whole post. It has
been on my mind since & it has been a few weeks now. Sadly my subconscious
is still trying to work it out because parts have become a theme in my dreams
making me lose sleep or have fitful nights of rest. My active mind/me I have
thought on it a bit here & there and have decided parts of it are figured
out and parts of it I have no clue…like HOW could my Mom who IS living and my
Gram who is NOT living both be alive and in the kitchen discussing what to do
for me while I am on my hands & knees inconsolably balling in the garage about
how I am going to go on living without my soul mate my husband…and HOW is it
that he would be working in an orchard when **I will not speak of it** happens
when we do not live near, we know no one with, nor does he now work in an
orchard. In the past I have had only 2 other premonitions where he **I will not
speak of it** in them but those have always come to be that we have a fight,
and when that happens it feels like a piece of me dies because I feel our
connection become disconnected and I HATE that feeling. So I have decided that it
must be that, if we continue on our path there will be a fight at some point
tho I can’t fit in the Mom & Gram part together and I think that is the
part my brain is still working on since I have “explained” the other part to
myself. I do however wish my brain would give it a rest tho because I am tired
of the theme in my “normal” dreams and also tired of the non-restful sleep I've
been getting. So I am hoping that by getting this down/out my brain & myself
will let it go too!
